Open Secret

God (and others) know I am not very good at keeping secrets about myself. I think too much out loud to maintain radio silence. For the record, I do my best to keep secrets that belong to others. The occasional error does happen; sorry if I broke that trust with you. I do try.

So back to me. I have been keeping my secret for a while now - since 2005. Six years qualifies as a personal best for me. Note to self: don't sprain anything trying to pat yourself on the back.

What has been a personal thought and concern has become a reality and an open secret.

open secret, noun: something supposedly secret but actually known quite generally.

After a great deal of prayer, consideration and tears, I made the decision in July of 2011 that it was time for me to leave Amor. You have no idea how simultaneously easy and difficult this was for me.

The ONE thing I am good at is knowing when my time is done on a project, in a relationship, and on a job. About six months (or six years) before I am sure, I start to feel the tug, and by the time I need to make the decision, I am so sure that I cannot be stopped. That was the easy part. I feel that prayer and wisdom have brought me to this point and it was time. I was and am at peace about my choice.

The difficult part was convincing others to be at peace with me. For 18 1/2 years, I have worked, loved, fought, hated, created, destroyed and served Amor. It is in my DNA. My best friend works for Amor. The most sage person I know works for Amor. The most creative leader I know works for Amor. I have learned from each of them and the rest of the team over the years.

So after some discussion, Amor and I came to the agreement that I would be gone by the end of August, 2012. The plan was that I would take a significant pay cut (along with the entire staff) go on staff at my church part-time and work part-time at Amor until I found another position. That didn't happen. So Amor kept me full-time for another three months so I didn't go homeless! Thank God!

In September, I attended a webinar about the job market and executive searches. The national average job search is 24 weeks. Average. I am no math major but I think that means for every person who falls into a job in just a few weeks, two people are looking for almost a year.

Oh and my favorite part...the average number of rejections - 200. Once again, using my primitive math, you have to apply to one hell of a lot of jobs.

Then, in November I went to 3/4 time (42% pay cut-gulp) still no other job, but stepping out in faith. Faith delivered my "holiday floor manager" at Macy's. They work me 25-37 hours per week. Between the two jobs, my ends "almost" meet. My family lent me money to pay rent in December...again thank God!

So I am 14 weeks and 84 applications into the process with 63 rejections. Not close to average yet! But I would be lying if I said this walk of faith is easy, because it IS NOT! I have been in the top 10 candidates a number of times, but never made it to the in-person interview. There are two positions that are currently courting me, but I am scared of both of them. What if I don't get it? What if I do get it? What if I need to move to another city? What if I stay in San Diego?  What will I do if I can make more money? What if I cannot make more money?

So now you are in on the open secret! Cheers!